Ugh.
There is only one person I want to spend Christmas with and actually wish a Merry Christmas.
Oh well.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
2.
Okay so my last post I think was a bit drab, I promise this one won't be any better.
So ex-boyfriend now bi-sexual ex-boyfriend went on his first date today (with another guy), and where was I? Helping him pick out his outfit, decide on glasses or no glasses and telling him to not be nervous. What was I doing on the inside? Crying. Ridiculous amounts, not only on the inside but on the outside as well, when I'm alone of course. But this sucks. I am angry I think at myself for establishing this kind of friendship. I still love him and well he clearly doesn't.
A glimmering light at the end of this sad sad tunnel is I have been talking to a boy. I don't know if it's just because the ex has moved on or if I am actually interested. But he's nice. That's all I have to say on that.
Anyway back to my dreary story. So ex goes on date, I sit in library waiting to hear how it went. I deal with all of these emotional repercussions and well quite frankly they suck. How and why did I let myself get here? I am hurting myself more everyday holding onto something that, just well isn't there. I hate myself for being so stupid. I hate myself for not creating a distance. I shouldn't be this best friend like figure, I am the ex. I'm the one with the broken heart, still healing, not over you, wishing you would go away. I don't understand my feelings, I don't understand why I still love him.
What is this teaching me? That I can just let myself be hurt every day by the person I care most about? Where can I just draw the line? I am honestly waiting for Winter Break to come, I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to even think of him.
Okay I am done ranting, maybe next time I might actually try to write out my feelings instead of just talk. Who knows. I am only doing this so I don't sit in the caf crying everyday.
So ex-boyfriend now bi-sexual ex-boyfriend went on his first date today (with another guy), and where was I? Helping him pick out his outfit, decide on glasses or no glasses and telling him to not be nervous. What was I doing on the inside? Crying. Ridiculous amounts, not only on the inside but on the outside as well, when I'm alone of course. But this sucks. I am angry I think at myself for establishing this kind of friendship. I still love him and well he clearly doesn't.
A glimmering light at the end of this sad sad tunnel is I have been talking to a boy. I don't know if it's just because the ex has moved on or if I am actually interested. But he's nice. That's all I have to say on that.
Anyway back to my dreary story. So ex goes on date, I sit in library waiting to hear how it went. I deal with all of these emotional repercussions and well quite frankly they suck. How and why did I let myself get here? I am hurting myself more everyday holding onto something that, just well isn't there. I hate myself for being so stupid. I hate myself for not creating a distance. I shouldn't be this best friend like figure, I am the ex. I'm the one with the broken heart, still healing, not over you, wishing you would go away. I don't understand my feelings, I don't understand why I still love him.
What is this teaching me? That I can just let myself be hurt every day by the person I care most about? Where can I just draw the line? I am honestly waiting for Winter Break to come, I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to even think of him.
Okay I am done ranting, maybe next time I might actually try to write out my feelings instead of just talk. Who knows. I am only doing this so I don't sit in the caf crying everyday.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)